Honesty

"There is someone I love even though I don't always approve of what she does. There is someone I accept even though some of her thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive even though she hurts the people I love the most. That person is me."

When you ask God to search your heart, you have to understand how dangerous of a prayer that actually is. Because when He searches your heart, you can expect to be shown a lot of things that you don't want to see. Things that you want to deny that are true about yourself. But also understand that the longer you go with these ugly things inside you, the longer they have to feed on you. On your spirit. On your faith.

I've been realizing a lot of things about myself that I don't like. Is it good? Yes, because the things that I don't like about myself, I can begin to work on. But does it hurt? Absolutely. Seeing so many ugly things in my heart is very painful. Being shown all of these things doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be a snap to get rid of them. I can want to be rid of them all day long. But the process of getting rid of them is no easy road. See, these things have been hiding inside of me. They've been hiding behind hurt mostly. Hiding in the darkness. The darkness hides the true size of fears and lies and regrets. The truth is, they are more shadow than reality. So they seem bigger in the dark. When the light shines into the places that live inside you, you start to see them for what they are. Lies are one of the easiest places to run to. It gives you a sense of safety, a place where you only have to depend on yourself. But it's a dark place. I don't want to live in a dark place, no matter how "safe" I think it might be. I'd rather live in truth and light that's real than live in lies and darkness that just make me think I have what I want. I'd rather see and know that my heart is ugly right now, knowing it won't always be, than think I'm perfectly beautiful when that's just not true. Honesty is key to accepting the truth. I realize that I spend most of my time and energy trying to acquire what I have determined to be good, and I spend a huge amount of energy and worry fearing what I have determined to be bad. I must give up my right to decide what is good and bad. Because really, I have no idea what is good or bad for me. Only God knows that. Does that scare the hell out of me? Absolutely. So what's true about me right now?

Truths
~I'm a control freak. But I know God is the one who should be in control.
~I'm selfish. But I have a giving heart that wants to break free again.
~I'm dark. But You say I'm lovely.
~I'm poor. But You say I'm beautifully rich.
~I'm hurt and broken. But without struggle, there is no testimony. You heal me, Lord, to fly again.
~I'm a mess. But You can love me back to life.
~I'm scared. All the time. But fear is not safe, and it is not my friend.
~I'm tired of crying. But You tell me to never discount the wonder of my tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak.
~I'm distrusting. But You can build my trust up again.
~I don't know who I am right now. But You are inside me. And that will lead me to my identity in You.
~I am weak. But You are strong.
~I have no fight left in me. But I'm not a quitter either. I will never give up. And I believe You won't either.

 

"Then from on high--

somewhere in the distance.

There's a Voice that calls--

Remember who you are.

If you lose yourself--your courage will follow.

So be strong tonight--

Remember who you are."

The Best Is Yet To Come...