Strength That's Beautiful

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile but have to sigh
When pain is pressing you down a bit--
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

I can't say how many times in my life that people have told me that I'm strong. Strong of heart. Strong of spirit. It has amazed me that in so many tragic or difficult circumstances, just how much strength arises in me. For so long in my life, I believed my strength to be a curse. I hated it. I hated feeling like I had to be strong all the time. I hated when people told me how strong I was. So many times, all I wanted was to just be able to be weak. Just once. Just once, let someone else be strong. Please, let me be weak. But it was almost like I didn't have a choice. Strength just rose up out of me, sometimes without my knowledge of its presence. I don't know exactly when I stopped believing the lie that being strong was a curse. But I did. And I started seeing new truths.
First of all, I realized that it was never my own strength that kept me going. Every second of it came straight from the heart of my Father in Heaven. I was only ever strong because He made me so. But I also know that I always had a choice. I had a choice to either give in to whatever the circumstance offered me, which was usually to give up and quit, or to rise above it. Of course, there have been things that I've quit in my life. But for the most part, in the most important and desperate times, I refused to quit. It wasn't an option to me. While going through hard times, I never felt strong. And I never understood how people thought I was. I would think to myself, "They're out of their minds! I'm not strong. I'm not courageous. I'm a fearful mess!" But in hindsight, God has blown my mind, showing me my ability to endure and withstand. And after every trial and circumstance, I was always even stronger and better for it. In life, there are things that we cannot stop. And we always have a choice to give up or stand up.
Being Christmas, we've all heard the story of the birth of Jesus many, many times in the last month. But it means so much more to me than I think it ever has. Don't get me wrong; it's always meant everything to me. But just with everything that the Lord has been doing in my life, I feel differently about it.

I think of Mary.
Little Mary. Theologians say that she was only 15 or 16 years old. Here she is, about to be married and start this new life, when God invades her world like nothing she's ever experienced. An angel appears to her and tells her that she has been chosen to carry God's Son, the Son of the living God! I can imagine the fear and doubt that rose up inside this young teenage girl. The questions. But she didn't give heed to any of them. She believes and says, "Let it be done to me as you have said. I am the Lord's servant." I wonder...did she have any idea what she was getting herself into? She had to face the world as a young girl, pregnant before marriage. How people must have talked about her! How they must have rejected her and slammed her! She had to face the accusations against her and the lies spoken about her. I'm sure she wanted to defend herself to these people that thought they knew it all, thought they knew the real story and truth. She knew the truth. But she didn't give up.And through it all, I can imagine her doubting herself many times: Why me, Lord? Surely there had to have been someone better for this? Older? Wiser? Stronger? But God had made His choice, and she had made hers. She could have said no. We all have freewill. But she didn't. She let strength rise up inside her and she chose to accept everything that came with her choice. And now we know her as one of the strongest women of all time. Her strength was breathtaking.
I see more clearly than ever that this gift of strength that my Lord has given me is beautiful and purposeful. I love this strength. I'm so thankful that I can be strong. I am strong. Because He is in me. I can face lies and accusations and gossips and slanderers and trials and circumstances and battles and fears because I am strong. I choose to let His strength rise up in me. It's going to take me places. It's going to change my life. From glory to glory, from victory to victory. It's going to change others lives. It's going to bring Kingdom.
Abba, whatever I am to face, I choose to say, "I am Your servant. Let it be done to me as You will." I will not quit. I will not fear. I will not hide. I know there's always rest. But I will never quit. Your strength is mine. Thank You for all that You're doing and for the adventure that we're on. You know how I love adventure. :)

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
   my God, in whom I trust.”

 ³ Surely he will save you
   from the fowler’s snare
   and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
   and under his wings you will find refuge;
   his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
   nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
   nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
   ten thousand at your right hand,
   but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
   and see the punishment of the wicked.

 ⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
   and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
   no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
   to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
   so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
   you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

 ¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
   I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
   I will be with him in trouble,
   I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
   and show him my salvation.”

~Psalm 91~

 The Best Is Yet To Come...

My Heart's Desperate Cry

All of us have songs that speak to us or speak of us at different times in our lives. I've heard this song a million times, but the other day when it came on, I just fell to my knees and cried because of its perfect description of the deepest desire of my heart right now. The Lord just keeps exploding in my heart in new and different ways, and I just can't get enough of Him. Gah! I love it!!

Take my life, I lay it down

At the cross where I am found

All I have I give to You, O God

Take my hands and make them clean

Keep my heart in purity

That I may walk in all You have for me

Oh, here I stand

Arms open wide

Oh, I am Yours

You are mine

Jesus

Take my moments and my days

Let each breath that I take

Be ever only for You, O God

Oh, here I stand

Arms open wide

Oh, I am Yours

You are mine

My whole life is Yours

I give it all

Surrendered to Your name

And forever I will pray

Have Your way

Have Your way

Jesus

The Best Is Yet To Come...

Cosmic Christmas

       "Gabriel."
       Just the sound of my King's voice stirred my heart. I left my post at the entryway and stepped into the throne room. To my left was the desk on which sat the Book of Life. Ahead of me was the throne of Almighty God. I entered the circle of unceasing Light, folded my wings before me to cover my face, and knelt before Him.
       "Yes my Lord?"
       "You have served the Kingdom well. You are a noble messenger. Never have you flinched in duty. Never have you flagged in zeal."
       I bowed my head, basking in the words. "Whatever You ask, I'll do a thousand times over, my King," I promised.
       "Of that I have no doubt, dear messenger." His voice assumed a solemnity I'd never heard Him use. "But your greatest work lies ahead of you. Your next assignment is to carry a gift to Earth. Behold."
       I lifted my eyes to see a necklace, a clear vial on a golden chain dangling from His extended hand.
       My Father spoke earnestly, "Though empty, this vial will soon contain My greatest gift. Place it around your neck."
       I was about to take it when a raspy voice interrupted me. "And what treasure will You send to Earth this time?"
       My back stiffened at the irreverent tone, and my stomach turned at the sudden stench. Such foul odor could only come from one being. I drew my sword and turned to do battle with Lucifer. The Father's hand on my shoulder stopped me.
       "Worry not, Gabriel. He will do no harm."
       I stepped back and stared at God's enemy. He was completely covered. A black cassock hung over his skeletal frame, hiding his body and arms and hooding his face. The feet, protruding beneath the robe, were thrice-toed and clawed. The skin on his hands was that of a snake. Talons extended from his his fingers. He pulled his cape further over his face as a shield against the Light, but the brightness pained him. Seeking relief, he turned toward me. I caught a glimpse of a skullish face with the cowl.
       "What are you staring at, Gabriel?" he sneered. "Are you that glad to see me?"
       I had no words for this fallen angel. Both what I saw and what I remembered left me speechless. I remembered him before the Rebellion: Poised proudly at the vanguard of our force, wings wide, holding forth a radiant sword, he inspired us to do the same. Who could refuse him? The sight of his velvet hair and coal-black eyes had far outstripped the beauty of any celestial being.
       Any being, of course, except our Creator. No one compared Lucifer to God--except Lucifer. How he came to think he was worthy of the same worship as God, only God knows. All I knew was that I had not seen Satan since the Rebellion. And what I saw repulsed me.
       I searched for just a hint of his former splendor but saw none.
       "Your news must be urgent," spat Satan to God, still unable to bear the Light.
       My Father's response was a pronouncement. "The time has come for the second gift."
       The frame beneath the cape bounced stiffly as Lucifer chuckled. "The second gift, eh? I hope it works better than the first."
       "You're disappointed with the first?" asked the Father.
       "Oh, quite the contrary; I've delighted in it." Lifting a bony finger, he spelled a word in the air:

C-H-O-I-C-E.

       "You gave Adam his choice," Satan scoffed. "And what a choice he made! He chose me. Ever since the fruit was plucked from the tree in the garden, I've held your children captive. They fell. Fast. Hard. They are mine. You have failed!"

       "You speak so confidently," replied the Father, astounding me with His patience.

       Lucifer stepped forward, his cload dragging behind him. "Of course! I thwart everything You do! You soften hearts, I harden them. You teach truth, I shadow it. You offer joy, I steal it. You give courage, I instill fear." He pivoted and paraded around the room, boasting of his deeds. "The betrayal of Joseph by his brothers--I did that. Moses banished to the desert after killing the Egyptian--I did that. David watching Bathsheba bathe--that was me. You must admit, my work has been crafty."

       "Crafty? Perhaps. But effective? No. I know what you will do even before you do it. I used the betrayal of Joseph to deliver My people from famine. Your banishment of Moses became his wilderness training. And yes, David did commit adultery with Bathsheba--but he repented of his sin! And thousands have been inspired by his example and found what he found--unending grace. Your deceptions have only served as platforms for My mercy. You are still My servant, Satan. When will you learn? Your feeble attempts to disturb My work only enable My work. Every act you have intended for evil, I have used for good."

       Satan began to growl--a throaty, guttural, angry growl. Softly at first, then louder, until the whole room was filled with a roar that must have quaked the foundations of hell.

       But the King was not bothered. "Feeling ill?"

       Lucifer lurked around the room, breathing loudly, searching for words to say and a shadow from which to say them. He finally found the words but never the shadow. "Show me, O King of Light, show me one person on the Earth who always does right and obeys your will."

       "Dare you ask? You know there need be only one perfect one, only one sinless one to die for all the others."

       "I know Your plans--and You have failed! No Messiah will come from Your people. There is none who is sinless. Not one." He turned his back to the desk and began naming the children. "Not Moses. Not Abraham. Not Lot. Not Rebekah. Not Elijah..."

       The Father stood up from His throne, releasing a wave of holy Light so intense that Lucifer staggered backward and fell. "Those are My children you mock," God's voice boomed. "You think you know much, fallen angel, but you know so little. Your mind dwells in the valley of self. Your eyes see no farther than your own needs."

       The King walked over and reached for the book. He turned it toward Lucifer and commanded, "Come, Deceiver, read the name of the One who will call your bluff. Read the name of the One who will storm your gates."

       Satan rose slowly off his haunches. Like a wary wolf, he walked a wide circle toward the desk until he stood before the volume and read the word: Immanuel.

       "Immanuel?" he muttered to himself, then spoke in a tone of disbelief. "God with us?" For the first time the hooded head turned squarely toward the face of the Father. "No. Not even You would do that. Not even You would go so far."

       "You've never believed Me, Satan."

       "But Immanuel! The plan is bizarre! You don't know what it's like on Earth! You don't know how dark I've made it. It's putrid. It's evil. It's..."

       "It is Mine," proclaimed the King. "And I will reclaim what is Mine. I will become flesh. I will feel what My creatures feel. I will see what they see."

       "But what of their sin?"

       "I will bring mercy."

       "What of their death?"

       "I will give life."

       Satan stood speechless.

       God spoke, "I love My children. Love does not take away My beloved's freedom. But love takes away fear. And Immanuel will leave behind a tribe of fearless children. They will not fear you or your hell."

       Satan stepped back at the thought. His retort was childish. "Th-they will too!"

       "I will take away all sin. I will take away death. Without sin and without death, you have no power."

       Around and around in a circle Satan paced, clenching and unclenching his wiry fingers. When he finally stopped, he asked a question that even I was thinking. "Why? Why would you do this?"

       The Invitation.

       The Father's voice was deep and soft. "Because I love them."

       The two stood facing each other. Neither spoke. The extremes of the universe were before me. God robed in Light, each thread glowing. Satan canopied in evil, the very fabric of his robe seeming to crawl. Peace contrasting panic. Wisdom confronting foolishness. One able to rescue, the other anxious to condemn.

       I have reflected much on what happened next. Though I have relived the moment countless times, I'm as stunned as I was at the first. Never in my wildest thoughts did I think my King would do what He did. Had He demanded Satan's departure, who would have questioned? Had He taken Satan's life, who would have grieved? Had He called me to attack, I would have been willing. But God did none of these.

       From the circle of Light came His extended hand. From His throne came an honest invitation. "Will you surrender? Will you return to Me?"

       I do not know the thoughts of Satan. But I believe that for a fleeting second the evil heart softened. The head cocked slightly, as if amazed that such an offer would be made. But then it yanked itself erect. "Where will we battle?" he challenged.

       The Father sighed at the dark angel's resistance. "On a hill called Calvary."

       "If you make it that far." Satan smirked, spinning and marching out the entryway, and he soared into the heavenlies.

       The Father stood motionless for a moment, then turned back to the book. Opening to the final chapter, He slowly read words I had never heard. No sentences. Just words. Saying each, then pausing: JESUS...NAIL...CROSS...TOMB...LIFE.

       He motioned toward me, and I responded, kneeling again before Him. Showing me the necklace, he explained, "This vial will contain the essence of Myself; a Seed to be placed in the womb of a young girl. Her name is Mary. She lives among My chosen people. The fruit of the Seed is the Son of God. Take it to her."

       "But how will I know her?" I asked.

       "Don't worry. You will."

       I could not comprehend God's plan, but my understanding was not essential. My obedience was. I lowered my head, and He draped the chain around my neck. Amazingly, the vial was no longer empty. It glowed with Light.

       "Jesus. Tell her to call My Son Jesus."

The Best Is Yet To Come...

     

After the Storm

And after the storm

I run and run as the rains come

And I look up, I look up

On my knees and out of luck, I look up

Night has always pushed up day

You must know life to see decay

But I won't rot, I won't rot

Not this mind and not this heart, I won't rot

And I took you by the hand

And we stood tall

And we remembered our own land

What we lived for

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears

And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears

Get over your hill and see what you find there

With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

I will spin in fields of flowers

My eyes on the sky

With my arms spread wide open

My spirit alive and free

The Best Is Yet To Come...



Broken & Beautiful

As I've said before, if you ask the Lord to show you things in your heart, and you really mean it, He will show you. In the last few months, but mostly in the last two weeks, God has been showing me some of the hardest things of my life. Things that, for so long, I didn't want to see. And while it hurts so, so much, I'm also grateful. Because I know that God's way is best. Recently, He gave me a picture/vision to give me some revelations about myself.

I'm standing in a room. The only thing in it is a tall table across the room with a beautiful jar on top of it. This jar represents my life. As I look at it, the table starts to shake, making the jar wobble. I think to myself, "That jar can't fall! That's my life!" So I run to catch it. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get to it in time. The jar falls to the floor and shatters into a million pieces. I stand over my shattered life, stunned. Then panic sets in. I fall to my knees and start frantically picking up the pieces. There are just so many. Suddenly, God says, "Eryn, stop." I pick up a few more pieces, and then I stop. He says, "I'm going to be the one to pick up the pieces of your life. Not you. And I'm going to pick up the pieces that I want, and leave the ones I don't want." As I watch Him slowly pick up pieces and leave others, I say to Him painstakingly, "Lord! You can't leave that one! It's crucial to me! To who I am!" He looks at me and says, "Do you trust Me?" And I say without hesitation, "No!"

And that's where it ends. I have gone over and over that picture/vision in my mind. It completely confirms my need for control. I've been trying to play God for so long. (And then I sit and wonder why things haven't turned out right...? Really?) Me and the Lord have been working through that already. It shows me that I don't trust the Lord as much as I need to, which we're also working on. I am so humbled that He'd show me in such a beautiful and obvious way. And His revelations don't stop there. I've been listening to a sermon series by Anthony Chapmen about living in the New Covenant. He references the times throughout the Bible that God talks about "newness" or "making things new." The definition of "new" is "of a kind now existing or appearing for the first time; unfamiliar or strange." It's something we've never seen before, tasted before, experienced before. It's something our brains can't imagine. He goes on to say, though, that so many Christians, when they read about the "new," they think of only what they've already experienced. They think of what they can compare it to. So they think, "Oh, it's going to look like this did, only a little different." But that's not what it is. That would just make it a newer version of the old. When God says He's going to make something new, it means that He's going to do something that we've never seen, tasted, touched, felt, experienced before. Ever. See, whenever I thought about the vision and God putting my "jar," or life, back together, I always imagined Him putting it back together just as it was before, as if He just took some glue and put it back together as best He could. Sure, it would have some pieces missing, and cracks, but He was going to put something else in those holes, and that's what was going to make it "new." But that's not what He's going to do. He's going to make an entirely different jar that won't look anything like the last one.

Scary? In some ways, yes.
Good? Absolutely.

That's the good thing about brokenness. God always puts us back together. And when we trust Him with the process, we always come out better and stronger and snazzier. ;) It's hard. Most definitely. But I won't have it any other way. Control is not mine. I don't want it.




The Best Is Yet To Come...

Worth It All

I don't understand Your ways

Oh, but I will give You my song

I'll give You all of my praise

You hold onto all my pain

And with it, You are pulling me closer

Pulling me into Your wings

And around every corner

And up every mountain

I'm not looking for crowns

Or the water from fountains

I'm desperate in seeking

And I'm frantic believing

That the sight of Your face

Is all that I'm needing

I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it all

I believe it

The Best Is Yet To Come...

You Want Me

You saw me broken, You saw me battered
You saw me filthy, You saw me shattered
You saw me wicked, You saw me lying
You saw me failing, You saw me trying
You saw me angry, You saw me jealous
You saw me prideful, You saw me selfish
You saw me wandering, You saw me lustful
You saw me striving, worshipping idols







You said, "I want her. I love her. She's the one for me. I choose her. I know her. My blood has made her clean. She is my true love. Bring her to me. Put a ring on her finger. Clothe her in my righteousness. Shine My Light all around her. Place a crown upon her head. Keep her tears in a bottle. See her name upon My hands." And when she says, "I don't deserve it," tell her, "I took the nails instead."

Now she's always by His side. She stays in His arms day and night. Out of the cage, out of the shame into the Light. She's finding her beauty. She's finding her grace. She's finding her whole heart. She's showing her face. In the Light. She's pure in the Light. She's whole in the Light. She's home in the Light.



You rescued me, Lord. You set me free when I thought that I could never escape. You came for me. You found me in the prison that I made for myself. You broke down the bars, You opened the door, and took me by the hand. And when I couldn't get up, You carried me. You lifted me with Your own strength. You walked me right out of jail. And You dealt with all of my enemies. With all my shame. All my embarrassment. You took it upon Yourself. You took it upon Yourself, Lord. I'm perfect in You. I'm accepted in You. I'm Yours.



The Best Is Yet To Come...

Let My Faith Arise

Let faith arise, O Lord, let faith arise

In the deepest parts of my being, Lord

In the most broken parts of me, O Lord

When friends have failed me, let my faith arise

When loved ones have failed me, O Lord, let my faith arise

When heroes have failed me, let my faith arise

Let my faith arise

Let my faith arise

I say no to the discouragement that keeps me down

I say no to the things that keep me back from You

And this broken heart inside of me, broken in so many places

By so many circumstances

I say no to just letting it stay that way

Because I'm learning to trust that it's not You that hurt me

I'm learning to believe that it's not You that deserted me

I'm believing that You still love me

Brokenness and all

I'm believing that You've got a plan for me

I'm believing that You will restore me

I'm believing that You will awaken my soul

And let faith arise again, I believe

I believe like a little child again

I'm gonna dance in my trust in You, O Lord

I'm gonna dance in my love for You, O Lord

I'm gonna laugh again, I'm gonna cry again

I'm gonna have joy on the inside again

Circumstances surrounding me that try to pull me down

I'm gonna believe in my faith

Because You're my Creator

You're my Comfort

You're the One who won't ever desert me

So Abba, I raise my hands to You

I raise my hands up to You, O lord

And I dance with my feet and I say,

I'm coming home to You

Because I'm learning to trust You with the faith of a child

And have joy again like a child

And I'm not planning to come back down

I'm not gonna let those bullets come down and hurt me anymore

Because I'm raising up a shield of faith  

And the sword of the Lord
I'm believing on Your word, Lord

I'm trusting in the words You said

And I'm waiting on You

I'm waiting on You

And I'm rejoicing in the fact that the Bible says

That You are my Victorious Warrior

You're the One who fights for me

I don't have to fight alone

You're the One who fights for me, O Lord

My faith is rising

My faith is rising

I can see You again, Lord

I can see You on the horizon of my life, O Lord

I can see Your sun

It's rising up, rising up, rising up

And I don't have to be discouraged anymore

And I don't have to fight this loneliness anymore

Because You're in my life more than anyone could ever be

Father, we're building us a relationship again

Just me and You

It's about me and You

Just You and Your lamb

You're building my faith up again

The Best Is Yet To Come...

Doubting Thomas

"If you get to the Red Sea, and there's a boat waiting to take you across, where's God in that? But if you get to the shore, and there's no boat, watch God part the water."

It's interesting to me the way Jesus went about choosing his disciples. Being fully God and fully man, He knew what was in their hearts. He knew what kind of men they were, and what kind of men they were going to become. From Matthew the tax collector to Judas the betrayer, He knew exactly who He was choosing when He called them to follow Him. I like to think that Jesus called the twelve that He did because one day, He knew that someone would relate to at least one of them.

Usually, I relate to Peter very well. Impulsive. Overconfident. Pigheaded sometimes. A rock. A risk taker. He denied Jesus three times, even after he knew who He was. His confidence failed him, and the "rock" that Jesus said was going to be built upon, turned out to be a pile of sand. Oh yes, I fully relate to Peter. But lately, I find myself looking at Thomas.

People have dubbed him as Doubting Thomas. He didn't believe that Jesus had risen from the dead after the other disciples said that they had seen Him. Not only did he say that he wouldn't believe until he saw with his own eyes, but he took it further and said, "Unless I put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it."

I can't count the number of times that I've had trouble believing that God is with me or for me when my eyes fail to see His working. If He doesn't answer me, if He doesn't speak to me, if He doesn't let me feel His presence...my faith slowly starts to waiver.

I've been a child of Israel.

The children of Israel were enslaved to Egypt for years and years. They prayed and cried out to God to deliver them. He finally does. He brings them out of Egypt. They praise God and thank Him. But when they get to the Red Sea, and their eyes show them that there's no way to escape the Egyptians coming after them, they cry out, "It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!" But then God parts the water, and they cross on dry land. Not only that, but after they get to the other side, the water crashes back onto the Egyptians and drowns them all. The Israelites praise God. Then they start to complain of thirst and hunger. All they see is desert. They say, "If only we had died by the Lord's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death." So God rains down food from heaven for them, and busts open a rock to quench their thirst. And of course, since things are good, they praise God. I mean, I'm sitting there reading it and thinking, "You stupid Israelites! How can you complain after God delivered you from the hands of the Egyptians? How can you doubt Him after He parted the frickin' Red Sea right in front of you??" But as I think more, I realize that I have no place to rebuke them. Don't I do this? When things are hard, I doubt God's goodness and character? When things are good, I praise Him as the Almighty? God has delivered me from more things than I can even remember. He has redeemed me and purified me and loved me. Yet when things are difficult, and when all I can see is the desert, the waves, and the circumstance, how easily I forget what He's done for me. How quickly I forget that God has parted the waves for me too. It reminds me of what James says about a doubting man, being blown and tossed by the wind, and how he is unstable in all he does. But haven't we all done this? Haven't we all been there before in our walks? But I don't want this. I don't want to be a child of Israel. None of them got to enter into the promise land because of their doubt and disobedience.

As Jesus and His disciples were hanging out around the table during the last supper, Jesus starts to comfort them. He tells them that He's going to prepare a place for them so that they too can be with Him where He is. He tells them, "You know the way to the place where I am going." And good old Thomas says, "Lord, we don't know where you're going, so how can we know the way?" Oh yes, Thomas! I feel you! How often do I cry out to the Lord, "Jesus! What the hell are You doing with my life? Where are You going with this? Where are You taking me?" But Jesus responds, "I am the way and the truth and the life..." Oh yes...that's right. You're leading me. You're guiding me. So even though I can't see the road ahead, You can. And as long as I follow Your lead, I'll be ok. I'll find life. Life abundently.

Search me, God, and know my heart;

Test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

The Best Is Yet To Come...

Control+Fear=DEATH

No, it is not yours to open buds into blossom.

Shake the bud, strike it,

it is beyond your power to make it blossom.

Your touch soils it.

You tear its petals to pieces

and strew them in the dust,

But no colors appear and no perfume.

Oh, it is not for you to open the bud into blossom.

He who can open the bud does it so simply.

He gives it a glance and the life sap stirs through its veins.

At his breath the flower spreads its wings

and flutters in the wind.

Colors flash out like heart longing,

the perfume betrays a sweet secret.

He who can open the bud does it so simply.

"Love may drive out fear, but some of us have to take John's challenge (1 John 4:18) from the other direction first. We have to stop being afraid first to be able to make room for love. We can tell another person of our love easily enough. But if we harbor fears at the back of our minds--"Does he really love me? How could he?" or "If I love her, will she really return that love, or will she eventually betray me?"--we are holding back. We're cautious, yes, and perhaps that is sometimes wise. After all, who wants to be hurt? But can love flourish if hemmed in by doubts and fears? No.

I think it's the same with our love for God. Loving faith--handing our lives over to God in complete trust--can't happen when we hold back something out of fear...

Lord Jesus, I put my fears and controls aside today and open my heart to you in trust...

The Best Is Yet To Come...

Miracles

I was reading in Matthew today. Matthew 12:38-45. In this passage, the Pharisees say to Jesus, "Teacher, we want to see a miraculous sign." Jesus answers, "A wicked and adulterous generation asks for a miraculous sign." 


"In trembling insecurity, the disciple pleads for proofs from the Lord that her affection is returned. If she does not receive them, she is frustrated and starts to suspect that her relationship with Jesus is all over or that it never existed. If she does receive consolation, she is reassured but only for a time. She presses for further proofs--each one less convincing than the one that went before. In the end, the need to trust dies of pure frustration. What the disciple has not learned is that tangible reassurances, however valuable they may be, cannot create trust, sustain it, or guarantee any certainty of its presence. Jesus calls us to hand over our autonomous self in unshaken confidence. When the craving for reassurances is stifled, trust happens."

It hit me good today. How often do I ask God to show me miraculous things? To give me proof that He loves me? That I can trust Him? That He's ever present with me? There Jesus was, performing miracles everyday, yet the Pharisees asked Him to do a miracle. They were missing His miracles. They were missing His presence. They were blinded by themselves. What everyday mircales of God am I missing while waiting for Him to show me one that I want to see? What ways is God showing me that He loves me that I'm missing because He's not loving me the way I think He should love me? How is He showing me that I can trust Him that I'm missing because He's not building trust the way that I want Him to?

This is the selfishness that I have to get rid of. I have to stop. God does love me. God is trustworthy. I just have to let go of....self.

Man I hate the flesh.


The Best Is Yet To Come...



Honesty

"There is someone I love even though I don't always approve of what she does. There is someone I accept even though some of her thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive even though she hurts the people I love the most. That person is me."

When you ask God to search your heart, you have to understand how dangerous of a prayer that actually is. Because when He searches your heart, you can expect to be shown a lot of things that you don't want to see. Things that you want to deny that are true about yourself. But also understand that the longer you go with these ugly things inside you, the longer they have to feed on you. On your spirit. On your faith.

I've been realizing a lot of things about myself that I don't like. Is it good? Yes, because the things that I don't like about myself, I can begin to work on. But does it hurt? Absolutely. Seeing so many ugly things in my heart is very painful. Being shown all of these things doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be a snap to get rid of them. I can want to be rid of them all day long. But the process of getting rid of them is no easy road. See, these things have been hiding inside of me. They've been hiding behind hurt mostly. Hiding in the darkness. The darkness hides the true size of fears and lies and regrets. The truth is, they are more shadow than reality. So they seem bigger in the dark. When the light shines into the places that live inside you, you start to see them for what they are. Lies are one of the easiest places to run to. It gives you a sense of safety, a place where you only have to depend on yourself. But it's a dark place. I don't want to live in a dark place, no matter how "safe" I think it might be. I'd rather live in truth and light that's real than live in lies and darkness that just make me think I have what I want. I'd rather see and know that my heart is ugly right now, knowing it won't always be, than think I'm perfectly beautiful when that's just not true. Honesty is key to accepting the truth. I realize that I spend most of my time and energy trying to acquire what I have determined to be good, and I spend a huge amount of energy and worry fearing what I have determined to be bad. I must give up my right to decide what is good and bad. Because really, I have no idea what is good or bad for me. Only God knows that. Does that scare the hell out of me? Absolutely. So what's true about me right now?

Truths
~I'm a control freak. But I know God is the one who should be in control.
~I'm selfish. But I have a giving heart that wants to break free again.
~I'm dark. But You say I'm lovely.
~I'm poor. But You say I'm beautifully rich.
~I'm hurt and broken. But without struggle, there is no testimony. You heal me, Lord, to fly again.
~I'm a mess. But You can love me back to life.
~I'm scared. All the time. But fear is not safe, and it is not my friend.
~I'm tired of crying. But You tell me to never discount the wonder of my tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak.
~I'm distrusting. But You can build my trust up again.
~I don't know who I am right now. But You are inside me. And that will lead me to my identity in You.
~I am weak. But You are strong.
~I have no fight left in me. But I'm not a quitter either. I will never give up. And I believe You won't either.

 

"Then from on high--

somewhere in the distance.

There's a Voice that calls--

Remember who you are.

If you lose yourself--your courage will follow.

So be strong tonight--

Remember who you are."

The Best Is Yet To Come...

Focus

"The power of focusing can be seen in light. Diffused light has little power or impact, but you can concentrate its energy by focusing it. With a magnifying glass, the rays of the sun can be focused to set grass or paper on fire. When light is focused even more as a laser beam, it can cut through steel. There is nothing quiet as potent as a focused life, one lived on purpose..."
                                                                                         -The Purpose Driven Life

What a powerful picture of the power of light. I was reading in Ephesians 5:8-14. It says:

"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light, and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient to in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible."

I am a child of light. God has said to me, "Go light up the world." And I have the power, with my Light, to cut through steel. To cut through chains. To cut through every bit of darkness that comes up against me.

I have to believe this. I claim this.


The Best Is Yet To Come...