Born to Soar

Throughout my life, as far back as I can remember, I've always been a striver. I was always striving for something. Whether it was a goal, a dream, a person, a status, a position, a victory or anything else somebody can strive for, I was always trying and trying. I've had to fight for almost every good thing in my life. Now, there is nothing wrong with ambition, and there is nothing wrong with trying and striving to attain something.

To a point.

And I always seemed to make my way past the point of no return. I always seemed to stumble from trying...into trying to control. And that's not okay. I would kill myself in every way to reach what I was striving for, and in the process, would beat myself up visciously for how weak I was, or for how I wasn't good enough or wasn't trying hard enough. If I only kept trying harder, surely I'd win. But it sure became exhausting. All of that trying and fighting and striving only to wear myself out. And so, I fell into a cycle.

 I would work and run and try and fight and strive until my lungs and legs and heart and mind gave out. Then I'd realize how wrong I was in my attempts, because I was focusing completely on I. So I'd reach the end of myself and finally see that the Lord was the only One who could help me, who could give me strength and victory. I'd stay under His wings and care for a time, but if things were moving too slowly or if things weren't going the way I thought they should be going, I'd start trying on my own again. It has truly been a sick cycle carousel, and I've wanted off for a long time now.

And I'm beyond ecstatic and joyful to say that I finally jumped off that crazy ride. With everything the Lord has been doing, there's just something different in all of His workings in the last few months. All year long, He's broken me down and broken me down and broken me down until there was nothing left of who I was. Until I had no idea who I was or who the hell I was supposed to be. The person I'd been living as my entire life was not the person He created me to be, and I had no idea who He wanted me to become. I realized near the end of the year that I was not who I thought I was. It's a crazy, scary identity crisis when you realize that this person you've been your entire life isn't the person you thought, and isn't the person you're going to be from now on. Once I reached that point, where there was nothing left of me, I figured I'd better start trying to figure me out! And so once again, I tried here and I tried there and I fought for...I wasn't even sure what for. I just knew that I didn't want to stay where I was. And after all of the wrestling, after all of the heartbreak, after all of the losses of friends and loved ones who couldn't actually dig into my pit with me, after all of the fears and doubts, after trying to control things, and after finally letting go of everything...I'm free.

I'm free!

I'm not worried about anything. I'm not trying for anything. I'm not striving for anything. Not even in my relationship with God am I striving. I'm just enjoying Him, delighting in Him and His love, and He's enjoying me and delighting in me. And Love is enough. Love takes the place of needing to try. Because it just is. I've been able to dance again, and worship again. I've gone to my secret place with my Beloved again after not seeing that place for so long. I was listening to a song by Jason Upton while worshipping, and it reminded me of a Word that God spoke to me over a year ago. The song says:

I was dreaming of the Holy City
I was wearing my wings

I looked up and saw the doorway to Heaven

And I heard You call to me

You said,

"Come up Here, come up now
My Beloved, My Beloved."And I said,

"I wanna fly, O Lord
Like an eagle in the sky
I wanna fly, O Lord

Through that doorway in the sky
Here I come, O Lord, here I come, O Lord!
In the midst of heartache, O God!
In the midst, of brokeness, O Lord!

Here I come, O Lord!

Here I come, O Lord!"
"You are My Beloved, you are My Beloved!"Do you hear the voice of God sing,
"You are My Beloved, you are My Beloved!
You are Mine, You are Mine and I AM yours!
You are My Beloved!My Beloved,

Don't let anyone, don't let anything hold you back
From your Father!" 

He is calling you

The part about flying like an eagle in the sky is the part that reminded me of the Word He gave me. I was on a hike with the Lord, and I had been hiking a few hours with Him. I decided to go off the trail and climbed this tall hill that I knew would come to a huge beautiful overlook at the top. I reached the top and just sat and looked out at it. Then out of no where, a huge bird flew across the sky. It looked too big for even a hawk. But I just watched it as it soared across the sky and valley. I smiled. He rode on the wind. He didn't flap his wings or work to stay up. And then God spoke, "That's what I want for you, Eryn. No toiling or beating the air to stay up. Just freely flying. Riding the wind. Enjoying it. It's what I always intended for you. To soar and fly and ride on My wind."

Well look at me, Abba! I'm soaring now!! All glory to You!

The Best Is Yet To Come...