You Were Once Wild Here...: Happy Birthday, Tyler

Dear Tyler,
Happy Birthday, dear brother! You'd be 27 years old today...that's just crazy to me! Enough time has gone by that, every anniversary or birthday of yours, doesn't change much in my heart. It's just another year you're not here. There's no pain in my heart anymore. There hasn't been for a long time. I've been trying to think all day about what is in my heart concerning you now. How do I feel about you? What comes to mind when I do think of you? It's been an interesting thinking process through the day, especially when I look at pictures of you. I see you in pictures, and it's like there's this disconnect. Like, my heart and my mind aren't meeting when it comes to you. My mind knows that you're my big brother. My mind holds memories upon memories of growing up with you. My mind recognizes you in some way. But my heart...it's almost like it doesn't recognize you. I look at you and my heart questions...who is that? I don't even know that person. Did I know him? I think he used to be apart of my life...I think he used to know me too...
But I realized, painfully at first, that that's exactly what it was. I wasn't the same person anymore. I had done all this growing and changing without you. I had to grieve it for a moment. But then, I realized...this is God healing me. I didn't even realize He had been doing it. I was just living life, because it was still happening. I couldn't stop it. And over time, and through the very act of living, I was being healed. After the initial pain of the realization, I knew it was beautiful and miraculous even...the very wonder of Christ. It's the most surreal feeling in the world. And I've felt those feelings for years now. But it still comes as a sort of shock to me everytime I feel them. Nowadays, when I think of you, I don't think of the pain. I don't

feel the hurt and sorrow from your death. What I do feel is...almost like a void. The one place that my heart and mind connect is in the fact that I should have had an older brother for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I don't think of memories that happened. I think of things that could have been if you were still here. I wonder to myself...what would you be like? Would you have been married? Would I have been an aunt by now? I've heard from many people how much I remind them of you, and I know in my heart that we would have had many incredible conversations about God and life and men and love and hurt and the future. From all that I've heard about the Tyler I didn't have much time to see because you died, I know that we would have had many of the same beliefs and outlooks and passions. I know you would have been "the man" in my life that protected me and looked out for me. I wonder what painful experiences in my life could have been avoided had you been there to point truths out to me that I was blind or biased to. I wonder what mistakes I wouldn't have

made had you been there to stop me as an older brother would. I wonder who would or wouldn't be in my life had you been there to tell them who I really am and how I deserved to be treated because I was your sister, and a daughter of God. I know that you would have defended me and my heart, even when I couldn't. I know we would have gotten into many more fights. I know we would have laughed a whole lot more. I know we would have shared a million more memories as young adults, and then as real adults. I know that you would have become more important to me than almost anyone in my life. I know that you'd be proud of me. So much has happened in my life since you beat me Home. And I wish so much that I could have shared everything with you. I wish I could tell you now. I wish we could meet up somewhere and talk and catch up and swap stories of all the things we've experienced.

It's true that I don't feel the pain anymore. But this year, today...it does hurt. I not only miss you as I knew you. But almost more than that, I miss what you could have been in my life. What you should have been in my life. I don't know you anymore. And you don't know who I've become. But I know that one day, when I go Home too, you're going to be right there waiting to embrace me. And we will have that conversation to catch up on all the time that's gone by between us since we last saw each other. It seems so far away at the moment...

No matter how much time passes, I'll never forget you. That's not even possible. But it's the way of God, that

I shouldn't feel the pain anymore. He doesn't want me to, and I know you wouldn't want me to either. People say that time heals all things. I don't completely agree with that statement. Time and God heal all things...if we let them. Healing from your death was the only one of its kind in my life. It kind of snuck up on me. I didn't even realize it was happening. For a long time after you died, it felt as if time had stopped. But it didn't. Life kept happening. Time kept moving. And it was all without you. But God, being the amazing and perfect Father He is, used all the time that passed, to heal me. For so long I believed Satan's lie that I would never heal from brokenness in my life, but your death is living proof in me that I can be. And I am. God has done so many amazing things through your death. Just like He promises. :) But I get to add one more thing to that beautiful list: hope for healing. Always. I love you Tyler. More than ever, if that's possible, you being gone and all. But I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to have you in my life again for eternity.

Happy Birthday. :)

Love always, your sister,

Eryn